I need help

Am I weak?? All the pent-up emotion of the past 4-5 months finally exploded. I feel like changing Uni (next year of course, I'll definitely complete this year 'cause it's been paid for already, meaning even if I change Uni, I'll probably be able to skip to 2nd year or 2nd semester or smth). Would that be the right thing to do? A small part of it is connected to the previous post, but only a small part. I feel so drained out. All the misery I've been feeling for the past few months just accumulated and erupted in a mass of tears I haven't cried for the past few months. Some of the reasons why I really feel like changing Uni right now: hours are way too long and I feel so drained everyday when I come back (constant assignments are no help... I know every Uni piles its students with assignments but, the long tiring hours are what makes it worse), I feel miserable going to school everyday because my class is filled with fake two-faced people (the one person whom I thought I could trust turned out to be the most fake one among them all), I don't see the point in going to uni every day and pretending to be happy with a bunch of people who judge you all the time (believe me, this isn't in my head)... I guess the people in my current Uni are a big part of why I feel like switching.

I feel so useless. Like I can't even handle situations like this. I'm gonna be facing this for the next 2 years of my life. Society is probably gonna be even tougher. I really do want to have a memorable Uni life, not one filled with misery. I really really don't know what to do. I so wanna change Uni, but I've been telling myself for the past few months, that I must stay strong and not let something like this ruin my future. I wanna change uni, but a small part of me wants to prove to myself that I can get through this. Am I weak? Am I useless? I feel like I am. For as long as I can remember, I've always loved going to school/college and being with friends whom I love. This is a new, foreign feeling. I need advise.

Disappointment

Sometimes I feel like I just can't go on anymore... maybe I just expect too much. Is it wrong to expect that people in Uni would GROW UP and learn to be sincere?

Angels in heaven

Damn, I wish I could stop being this emotional... I feel touched way too easily (later get cheated by guys easily... ish). I'm literally sniffling listening to the 9/11 tribute songs, particularly the "heaven" by dj sammy tribute, and the other one by Rick and Bubba or smth like that. It's just so heart-breaking thinking bout all those people who lost loved ones in incidents like that. *sobz*. I'm too emotional for my own good.

And once again, I'm procrastinating. Crap. I think I'm just gonna choose Kuching for one of my assignments, so I can crap all I want about the wonderful things we have in Kuching and my lecturers probably wouldn't even know. The assignment question is to choose a destination and research on it, and recommend to a board of directors why they would want to open a hotel or resort at the destination. Of course there are a lot of other subtitles that require information I have no idea about, but I'm just gonna crap my way through. After all, it's my own hometown, so it'll probably be easier? I hope? I need to stop procrastinating. Unlike truancy (I skipped class again today, so much for my resolution), procrastination is not an addiction, it's a disease. =S

Btw, if any of you have too much free time, go wikipedia kuching. There's supposedly gonna be a lot of big shopping malls coming up in Kuching in the very near future, and even a convention centre. I wonder how true all that info is. Kuching got so great meh? (Of course, for my assignment, Kch is absolutely the best place you could ever choose for a vacation.) =p

*whoosh*

and the weekends are once again gone. *sigh* 4 days ago, I told myself that I really must get started on all my remaining assignments this weekend, 'cause finals are gonna come as soon as those assignments are handed up, so it's better to finish them early and focus on finals. 4 days later (now), I've done oh, say, 0.5% of the research I should have done? Crap crap crap. Online downloads are evil. They keep my eyes focused on watching movies and series on my laptop when I'm supposed to be doing research. Evil sim for introducing megashares which downloads shit fast. My new printer is evil because I've been busy "playing" with it; scanning things I don't need and then deleting them just for the heck of it, and printing photos with the free photo paper that came with the printer. All these evil things tempting me to procrastinate. I seriously need to get started! But I just can't! My laziness is keeping me from being on time. *sighs*

Ghost rider is cool.

The one thing I never wanted to see again

after PC Fair last year is the one thing I'm gonna be looking at every day from now on.

Eh lyd, damn cheap here eh, that one we were selling for RM599 (or 399) right? Here I bought for AU$88 plus a free mp3 player with 1 gb memory. Cool ei? =P

Benefits of promoting printers 24/7 during BOTH PC Fairs last year: I don't even have to ask the salesman anything to know everything I need to know about this printer before getting it.

I decided to buy a printer 'cause I still have so many assignments to do, and printing at the library has become such a pain, not to mention, a rip-off. It's 12 cents per black-and-white page, and 80 cents or something ridiculous like that per coloured page. Crazy. That's like 1 dollar for 8 pages. Considering how many assignments I'm gonna be printing this year, next year, and forever, I think it's a lot more worth it to just buy a printer. And it's a lot more convenient having my own printer anyway. Originally wanted to buy just a printer, but I couldn't resist the offer for this all-in-one one, hehe.

Now I'm sitting here feeling guilty about spending 88 dollars for a printer/copier/scanner and free mp3. Maybe I just won't eat for one week.

Time

is flying by too fast. I was looking at a few of my cousins' friendster pages, and realised just how much we've grown up. My "baby" cousin is officially a rebellious teen (she turned 13 a day after I turned 20), my cousin from across the street from where I lived in Kch has been going steady with this guy for 3 years now (she's 2 years younger than me... 2 years used to seem like a big difference), my cousin 3 years younger than me has a drinking problem (a girl for that matter). I feel like we're all growing up too fast, and I can't keep up. Before we know it, you're all gonna be attending my graduation (hopefully =p). I feel like we should be spending time to enjoy, 'cause what other chance do we have if not now? When we're out in the society working, I doubt we'll have any chance at all to really enjoy like how we used to. Instead, I'm here spending 80% of my time in Uni, and the other 20% sleeping, eating, or doing assignments. I had always expected Uni life to be at least slightly enjoyable, not torturous.

Sometimes it feels like time is moving ahead all around me, and I'm just standing still, trying to resist time. Before I know it, I've already been here 4 months... 4 torturous months no doubt, but 4 months that have just passed before I even realised it. Sometimes, I really wish we had more hours in a day. So that I'ld at least have some time to relax. Every time I feel like I can finally chill a little, some lecturer would spring out with another assignment. Gah. I don't have time to procrastinate... but I do so anyway because I am not me if not for my laziness =D... why else do you think I'm here worrying about time, when I should be starting my new assignment and worry about time.

Let it snow let it snow let it snow!

If it's gonna be this cold, it might as well just snow; gives me a chance to be 'sakai' and frolick around in the snow. I mean if the weather wants to torture me, don't just rain, go all the way... snow! I hope for a white christmas. Which is impossible because it's summer on Christmas. AND, I'm gonna be on an island in winter. If I'm gonna freeze to death, I'ld rather it not happen on an island. Islands are where tsunamis (choi!) occur, not blizzards. I so think that drowning to death is a really horrible death. I have aquaphobia. Or whatever it's called. I fear drowning in the deep blue sea, or any other big-space-filled-with-deep-water for that matter. I hate not knowing what's swimming under me. I hate feeling helpless, knowing no one is gonna be able to save you if you drown out there. I hate not being able to see past the surface of the water. It's like you're about to get sucked into this deep black abyss where time doesn't exist. I hate my cousin for pushing me underwater when I was 6 and causing me this phobia!

It's, however, very ironic that everyone thinks I'm a professional swimmer, considering the kind of phobia I have. If only they've seen me swim =p. (Despite whatever hiao miao says about me swimming fine and proper, I still think I'm a very cacat swimmer. The kind that any swimming coach would be so ashamed of. My very first swimming coach passed away last year. Mr Yap, if you're reading this from heaven, I'm very sorry that I turned out like this 14 years from the time you stopped coaching me.)

Which is actually kinda straying a LIttle bit from the point of this post. One painful realisation: I won't be home for christmas!!! noooooo! How can! Not that very much happens on Christmas at home, but it's still that whole Christmas-time-wanna-be-with-family-and-close-friends feeling. Christmas is my favourite season of the year, and nothing should stand between me and enjoying my favourite season. =( I wanna be home for christmas, with my family and all my darlings back home. hehehe. (Bro, you're temporarily not part of my family because you suck. You told mum. You're lucky she's too blur to figure out that "someone signing for joce" equals "joce has been skipping class without me knowing", hrmf)

So, what does a Shiraz, a Merlot, and a Sauvignon Blanc smell like? My answer: Wine. My lecturer's reply: Get the hell out of my class. (No, that didn't really happen. I wouldn't be here if that had happened. I would be on the way back to kuching in humiliation.) I wish I were a dog. I'm sure a dog would have been able to smell the blackberries and oak in Shiraz, the apples and lemons in Sauvignon Blanc, and whatever. I smell wine okay. That's all I smell. Is it my fault that I smell wine when I'm sniffing wine?? Ish. We started wine studies yesterday, and wine tasting started today. I will be drunk and high every wed, thurs, and fri as of today. Not that we actually swallow the wine. We have to spit the wine out as soon as we take a mouthful for a taste... yes we spit, into sinks, shared by 2 or 3 people...tell me about disgusting. The only thing I'm probably gonna pass out of the 3 wine-tasting procedures (appearance, smell, taste) is the first. I may not be able to smell or taste the fruits or woodiness or whatever other substance a wine is supposed to smell or taste like (apparently, everyone will smell and taste different things in the wine because of differences in our sense of smell, taste buds, bla bla bla, I really haven't been listening much), but I sure as hell can tell you what colour it is and whether it's clear or not.

I love my lecturer though. He's so cool. He has two earrings on his left ear, and he uses a pink marker for the whiteboard. How cool is he?! (he's not gay btw) And he takes the same bus as me every morning. That's why he's cool. 'Cause only cool people like me take that bus every morning. =D (you know what would make him cooler? If he gave me my HD right now without having to sit for the wine-tasting exam.)

I made lamb stew yesterday. I'm making chocolate mousse and lime souffle next week. I'm so wonderfully good (and slow) at turning potatoes (I'ld like to think I am anyway, heehee). I'm thinking about all the food I cooked in cuisine class because I'm so full right now. I currently reign as cocktail queen (I refuse to admit to being miss distinction. makes me sound like some kinda nerd. ish. I don't even study half as much as they do. hrmf). I don't know half of what goes on in ITHB (International Tourism and Hospitality Businesses) class, but I pretend I do anyway. I'm secretly fearful that my classmates don't like me (I may not necessarily love them, but they must love me, lol). I keep talking about things relating to my uni and course in this paragraph because I believe that it will make up for my truancy.

I find it essential to exude random nonsense (some untrue) every day to survive. That's because I'm a superhero. More specifically, I'm an empath, like Peter Petrelli. Superheroes need to spout nonsense every day to cover their true identities. I'm in need of medication... or a tranquilizer.

Consequence of typing and editting a 4000-word essay in under an hour

Cool. My previous two posts were posted 1 hour and 11 minutes apart, at 4.44 and 5.55, according to my blog time (which is probably still M'sian time).

*gasp*

Maybe I really am going a bit overboard with my assignment. My 800-word essay is now a 4000-word essay. O.O I hope my lecturer doesn't penalise me for overshooting the minimum limit so much. It's not my fault he didn't set a maximum limit. =D

Restriction or Opportunity

In my uni, it's obligatory that our attendance does not reach under 80%, meaning that once we are absent for more than 20% of the classes without a valid reason, we are automatically sent home (oh, how I'ld love that right now... although, of course, I wouldn't wanna be sent home under these conditions). At first, I thought "20%... wow, that's not much at all". And then I came to realise, considering how many hours of classes I have a day, 20% is, in fact, a lot! And so, thus far, I have skipped over 20 classes since I started Uni this semester. Teeheehee. But of course, the girl with pful^zzz will always find a smart way to be lazy. Ultimately, my attendance record is still almost perfect except for 2 classes. Why? Because every Monday, we have two lecture classes, which means that every one of my semester 1 coursemates are combined in one big lecture theatre (instead of our own normal classes of only 18 people), and instead of calling rolls, the lecturers pass a paper around for us to sign. Obviously, I have a loyal classmate who signs for me every week so that the lecturer won't suspect anything. =D I've probably only attended the first two weeks of these two lecture classes this semester, of which I sat in the last row and occupied myself with my books... my storybooks of course.

The story may very well end "happily ever after" here. BUT, today I was told that they calculated the attendance according to hours, and not number of classes. HAHAHA. Which means, I don't even have to ask my loyal classmate (who is currently bed-ridden because his muscle tore from a previous injury and so, cannot sign for me next week... not that I need him to anymore, heehee =P) to sign for me, and still maintain a well under 10% absence record. I say 10% because my industry placement venue requires that my attendance record be at least 90%, instead of the Uni rules of 80% (damn). My acts of truancy do not even bring me close to 10%, 'cause I've already calculated that I can be absent for a total of 53.5 hours before it actually reaches 10%, and the 2 classes which I'm actually marked 'absent' for are only 2 hours each. That means I still have 49.5 hours to skip (not that I would skip unnecessarily of course... I usually skip when I feel a deep prolonged desire to sleep =D). hohohohoho. Pardon me, I mean 48 hours, because today I came home 1.5 hours ahead of legal time.

Truancy is an addiction.

Bro: Since I now know that you still read my blog, you better not tell mum about this... or dad for that matter. =p

Edit: Ok, you just told mum about it! I'm gonna kick your ass when you get here.