I went..

and I'm happy. =) It's so amazing once you decide not to worry about those negative stupid pessimistic lil thoughts in your head, and just go out and be yourself. =) And I think I've found the cause for all that emo talk 2 posts before this: "And I feel like maybe I sub-consciously made myself feel this way so that I won't miss everyone too much". Because before the gathering, I made up my mind to not care so much about what I felt, and to just let down the barrier. It's been a really long time since I was actually fully myself around them, and it felt so good.

And, it also felt very very mega nostalgic. Suddenly, I was again back in the classroom two rooms away from the staff room. Suddenly, I was again clad in the white and blue outfit I knew so well for those 5 years of my life. Suddenly, I was again back there, two weeks before SPM, laughing and playing around in class like nothing mattered. I still remember those days before SPM, while most of the people in the other class were busy studying, WE were busy playing cards in class and listening to mp3's, walkmen, and what-not. We even had our own little "casino"... we broke into the once-upon-a-time storeroom joined to our classroom ('cause we were using the old KH bengkel), which was by then empty, and used it to play cards during breaks. Irony of it was that most of the senior prefects and prefects were from our class. *grin*

It felt really nice, yet nostalgic, to be there among my old friends, playing like how we used to... laughing like how we used to. I used to get annoyed at the whole jungle queen thing back when it was first started by Rod. But, over the years it's kinda grown onto me, like my identity among my old friends... so much so that I couldn't help laughing along with them when they did it all over again just now. (Tzy Wen, if you're reading this, your head already got chopped off 5-6 times tonight? =P) *sighs* I really miss them, a lot more than I actually thought possible. I'm really glad I went tonight, and I'm really glad I made myself feel stupid about ever thinking the way I thought.

Bottom line is, I think I've been trying to avoid getting too close to them because I'm afraid of parting with them again... afraid of saying goodbye to them once more... afraid of feeling the nostalgia and loneliness I felt about 1 year and 10(?) months ago. I'm already finding it really difficult to say bye to the wonderful friends I've made in college. Which is why my mind subconsciously tried to shut out my old friends, to avoid missing too many people too much.

But, as of now, I have a new resolution... to kill my subconscious and really catch up and spend whatever time I have left with my friends.. old and new! I miss my old friends a lot a lot.. and I'm gonna miss my college friends and new friends a lot a lot, so the only thing I CAN do is to spend as much time with them as possible before I leave. Who wants to make appointment now? heehee