What should I do...

Peter Rabbit told me there's going to be a potluck on Christmas night, with a couple of my ex-classmates, and now I'm contemplating whether to go or not. I don't know... I've always had this insecurity around my ex-classmates... probably due to past hurts and things that I've seen done to my friends around me by people from my class. And this all led me to how I am today with them; very wary and afraid to trust them, even though it's been two years since we all left form 5. I know some of you (my ex-classmates) may be reading my blog right now, and I know things have probably changed since 2 years ago, but this is just how I feel.

This insecurity led me to put up a barrier around myself whenever I'm around them. I become very quiet, and anti-social when I'm around them, which as most of you probably know, is very un-Joce-like. I feel like every action, every word, is going to be judged. I feel like, I'm probably not wanted around them. I feel, in other words, not myself, and left out. And the irony of this is, these feelings only started after we left form 5... probably due to the distance from everyone else. And I feel like maybe I sub-consciously made myself feel this way so that I won't miss everyone too much, like all the nostalgia and "i miss my high sch classmates" feeling I felt throughout my whole first semester in college.

And because of this, I become afraid every time I'm asked to meet up with them. And the less I meet up with them, the more insecure and left out I feel, making me feel even more afraid when I do need to meet up with them. It's a vicious cycle. I really do miss them. But I just can't shake off this feeling of insecurity and wariness. (which is why, sel, I need you sooo. Because you usually are able to knock some sense into my head.)

I often tell myself to just forget it, to just break the barrier and be myself. After all, if they're true friends they'll accept me for me, and not judge me. And if they're not true friends, they're not even worth worrying myself about. Right?

So, the question still remains. To go or not to go? I really do want to meet up with everyone, especially since I'm leaving soon, and the homesickness I'm going to feel is already getting to me. I'm starting to miss people a whole lot, even though I'm still right here in Kuching. But a part of me is afraid of that awkward left-out feeling. Although another part of me feels like this is just my emo-ness speaking, and that I'll really enjoy myself like I usually do... do I?