I went..

and I'm happy. =) It's so amazing once you decide not to worry about those negative stupid pessimistic lil thoughts in your head, and just go out and be yourself. =) And I think I've found the cause for all that emo talk 2 posts before this: "And I feel like maybe I sub-consciously made myself feel this way so that I won't miss everyone too much". Because before the gathering, I made up my mind to not care so much about what I felt, and to just let down the barrier. It's been a really long time since I was actually fully myself around them, and it felt so good.

And, it also felt very very mega nostalgic. Suddenly, I was again back in the classroom two rooms away from the staff room. Suddenly, I was again clad in the white and blue outfit I knew so well for those 5 years of my life. Suddenly, I was again back there, two weeks before SPM, laughing and playing around in class like nothing mattered. I still remember those days before SPM, while most of the people in the other class were busy studying, WE were busy playing cards in class and listening to mp3's, walkmen, and what-not. We even had our own little "casino"... we broke into the once-upon-a-time storeroom joined to our classroom ('cause we were using the old KH bengkel), which was by then empty, and used it to play cards during breaks. Irony of it was that most of the senior prefects and prefects were from our class. *grin*

It felt really nice, yet nostalgic, to be there among my old friends, playing like how we used to... laughing like how we used to. I used to get annoyed at the whole jungle queen thing back when it was first started by Rod. But, over the years it's kinda grown onto me, like my identity among my old friends... so much so that I couldn't help laughing along with them when they did it all over again just now. (Tzy Wen, if you're reading this, your head already got chopped off 5-6 times tonight? =P) *sighs* I really miss them, a lot more than I actually thought possible. I'm really glad I went tonight, and I'm really glad I made myself feel stupid about ever thinking the way I thought.

Bottom line is, I think I've been trying to avoid getting too close to them because I'm afraid of parting with them again... afraid of saying goodbye to them once more... afraid of feeling the nostalgia and loneliness I felt about 1 year and 10(?) months ago. I'm already finding it really difficult to say bye to the wonderful friends I've made in college. Which is why my mind subconsciously tried to shut out my old friends, to avoid missing too many people too much.

But, as of now, I have a new resolution... to kill my subconscious and really catch up and spend whatever time I have left with my friends.. old and new! I miss my old friends a lot a lot.. and I'm gonna miss my college friends and new friends a lot a lot, so the only thing I CAN do is to spend as much time with them as possible before I leave. Who wants to make appointment now? heehee

*big huge smile* ^^

I've made up my mind that I will be as happy as I can be from now. I will not wallow in self-pity, or depression. I will not dwell on my problems, but rather, I will dwell on the things that make me happy. At every one time in our lives, we face good and bad things. And it's entirely up to us whether we want to worry about the bad things, or enjoy the good. And so in my whole listening-to-christmas-songs jiwang-ness, I've made up my mind that from now on, I will only focus on the things that make me happy. Problems are there to allow us to grow from trials and possibly mistakes made. How else to tackle a problem than to be happy and calm about it? =) I believe there's always a rainbow at the end of a storm.

"The greatest joy in life is giving"

I like the satisfaction I get when I've made someone happy.. the kind of satisfaction you get from just being there for someone, or making another person feel appreciated. The inspiration for this post: In order to bring happiness to others, we'll have to be happy ourselves. Being optimistic is a good remedy for illness. Rather than seeing all the negative sides of a situation, isn't it better to focus on the constructive points of it.

I've made up my mind to stop being sad about my leaving this place in 17 days time. Instead, I will enjoy whatever time I have left here to the fullest, and know that one day I will again be back home. =)

That's what I say now anyway... I'm pretty confident that I will be overly homesick once I get there. *sighs*... *think happy thoughts*

What should I do...

Peter Rabbit told me there's going to be a potluck on Christmas night, with a couple of my ex-classmates, and now I'm contemplating whether to go or not. I don't know... I've always had this insecurity around my ex-classmates... probably due to past hurts and things that I've seen done to my friends around me by people from my class. And this all led me to how I am today with them; very wary and afraid to trust them, even though it's been two years since we all left form 5. I know some of you (my ex-classmates) may be reading my blog right now, and I know things have probably changed since 2 years ago, but this is just how I feel.

This insecurity led me to put up a barrier around myself whenever I'm around them. I become very quiet, and anti-social when I'm around them, which as most of you probably know, is very un-Joce-like. I feel like every action, every word, is going to be judged. I feel like, I'm probably not wanted around them. I feel, in other words, not myself, and left out. And the irony of this is, these feelings only started after we left form 5... probably due to the distance from everyone else. And I feel like maybe I sub-consciously made myself feel this way so that I won't miss everyone too much, like all the nostalgia and "i miss my high sch classmates" feeling I felt throughout my whole first semester in college.

And because of this, I become afraid every time I'm asked to meet up with them. And the less I meet up with them, the more insecure and left out I feel, making me feel even more afraid when I do need to meet up with them. It's a vicious cycle. I really do miss them. But I just can't shake off this feeling of insecurity and wariness. (which is why, sel, I need you sooo. Because you usually are able to knock some sense into my head.)

I often tell myself to just forget it, to just break the barrier and be myself. After all, if they're true friends they'll accept me for me, and not judge me. And if they're not true friends, they're not even worth worrying myself about. Right?

So, the question still remains. To go or not to go? I really do want to meet up with everyone, especially since I'm leaving soon, and the homesickness I'm going to feel is already getting to me. I'm starting to miss people a whole lot, even though I'm still right here in Kuching. But a part of me is afraid of that awkward left-out feeling. Although another part of me feels like this is just my emo-ness speaking, and that I'll really enjoy myself like I usually do... do I?

pre-homesickness

I'm mentally preparing myself for the homesickness I'm gonna feel when I go to Aus next year. I feel like crying everytime I think about how much time I have left in Kuching. But, I'm stopping myself from crying. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, 'cause if I keep all the tears in now, I might burst at the airport. It's really no easy task leaving the only place I've known for the past 19+ years of my life. I know I'll probably cope fine there, despite being homesick and all. Humans were made to adapt to their surroundings and all that. But, I'm just so attached to kuching in all its boring glory. People tell me that after I've gone there, I won't wanna come back anymore, but Xiu has been in melbourne for about 3 years already, and she still feels like coming back all the time. I guess kuching will always be the only home in our hearts. People in kuching, please don't forget me after I leave... I want reasons to keep me wanting to come back home. =) Keeping this short 'cause I'm going out soon.

24 days and counting...

29 days...

That's all the time I have left in Kuching.. the one place I've known for the past 19 years or so. My mood now? =(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

And if you really love Christmas..

.. come on and let it show! I just watched Love Actually for the third time, and I'm still not sick of it. It's a wonderful wonderful movie.. full of love, Christmas love! =)

The lack of updates is due to overdose of every series imaginable for the past two weeks or so. In the course of 2 weeks, I've completed Grey's Anatomy Seasons 1 and 2 and 2 episodes from Season 3, Prison Break Season 1 and 10 episodes from Season 2, Gilmore Girls Season 3, What I Like About You Season 4, Bleach Episode 1-105, School Rumble 2, catching up with Smallville and Heroes episodes, and several movies. Wheeee. Not that I've been glued to my computer 24/7. But when I'm at home and not out, I start watching everything I'm addicted to =D.

Christmas is oh-so-near! It's my absolutely favouritest season, 'cause once every year, I feel like there is actually going to be much peace and love around the world. With all the things that's wrong with this world, every Christmas, I'ld actually believe that there is hope yet for this planet and its inhabitants. Come Christmas time, we are showered with movies and songs of love and kindness and peace, of angels and hope for a better tomorrow, of happiness and satisfaction, of Jesus and His birth, and how much love He had and has for us, of pure jingly (not jungly) bliss... the kind of movies that puts a smile on your face, and the kind of songs that make you want to sing along with all its jiwang-ness.

There are so many things wrong with the world today, I can't even begin to name them. From the bratty little kindergarten kids who have learnt to lie and steal at such a young age, to the bitchy backstabbings of two-faced teenage girls and boys, to the small crimes that happen daily on the streets, which lead to bigger crimes eventually, and all the way to the wars and fighting all around. Talk of the apocalypse and the end of the world has been going on since many years ago. And who's to blame for such rumours? If I were God, I'ld be terribly disappointed with what the world I created has become as well.

"Got a good look at the world lately? What happened to Christmas? Peace on earth? Goodwill to men? Let me tell u something, the spirit of Christmas is dead" - Santa Claus talking to Clark Kent in Smallville Season 5 (forgot what episode)

The spirit of Christmas really is dead in most hearts. To some people, Christmas is merely a celebration, a chance to have big feasts, get presents , and have fun. Most kids don't even know the true meaning of Christmas anymore. To them, it's all about Santa Claus and Christmas gifts. Christmas gifts were first introduced probably to encourage the spirit of giving and generosity, but over time, it became a symbol of greed... so much so that I've seen little kids throw tantrums when they don't receive any gifts, and some others who demand and wail aloud in shopping malls about what they would want as gifts.

To me, Christmas is truly about remembering how much Christ has done for us, and how much we should give to others. It's a time to remember that, instead of always receiving love, we should reach out and give love. It's a time to remember the satisfaction you get when you give and give unconditionally... the satisfaction 10 times or more the magnitude of only receiving. Think about the homeless and poor on the streets; the kids that crowd orphanages; the unwanted grandma's and grandpa's abandoned in old folks' homes; the less fortunate and "special" people, who more than anyone else needs to know that they are loved and accepted the way they are... those without families to provide them with the warmth and comfort everyone needs.

Once every year, I am disillusioned that there are people who actually care enough. And once every year, I pray so very hard that there is something I could do to help. We should have Christmas all year round. =)

Frodo: So what are we holding on to, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, and they're worth fighting for.