Expectations and hope

Even though I'm having hols this week, I hardly feel like I'm having time off at all. In between having assignments to complete and worry about, series to catch up with, I feel the obligation to start meeting up with friends I haven't seen in aeons. I haven't yet got around to doing so, but I really have to, soooon... before my so-called hols are over anyway.

I realised a long time ago that I was the kinda girl who looks at life through rose-tinted glasses. The kind that would like to believe that this world is perfect. The kind that wouldn't believe anyone was capable of evil of any sort unless someone's throat was slit right in front of my eyes. The kind that trusts everyone she meets, and believes that everyone's intentions are pure and good...and end up trusting the wrong people. Much time has passed since I was that girl. Yet now, I'm still very much that same girl. Except instead of believing all that, I just wish all that.

I've always been overly-passionate about the direction the world is taking and that people should know better than to destroy the world we live in. So much so that I always get so frustrated at the way people are nowadays. There are more deceitful people in this world than there are trustworthy people. Lies, greed, deception, back-stabbing just for the fun of it, etc... all daily happenings that I have no control over, and that frustrates me. It's not that I wanna play God, because I know God is the only one who has control over all this. But it's frustrating to know that there are actually so many of these kinda people in this world. It's frustrating to know that there's really nothing we can do to help. Because we're each only one person. What good can one person do against a whole world of hypocrites.

I was the kind of person that expects this world to be perfect... who expects life to be perfect... But as impossible as I know it is for myself to be perfect because I know I'm far from perfection, I beat myself up mentally whenever I screw up something in my life. I over-stress myself to produce outstanding results, even though I'm a lazy ass who always falls asleep trying to study. And get overly disappointed when sometimes I don't get the "A" I wanted. I overload my time with activities, even though sometimes I get so tired and just need some rest. I am overly sensitive, even though I tell myself a million times over that it doesn't matter what other people think of me. And honestly sometimes I think it's just all in my head. I expect too much from life. I expect too much of myself. I'm horrible aren't I. =(

And yet today, after realising all that, I am still that girl. The one who feels that there is still hope yet for this world. That things may still turn out the way I want them to. That some people may realise how stupid they are for acting the way they do and doing the things they do. That maybe, one day, everyone will be happy with what they have and not wish for more. That, as cliche and corny as this sounds, there might one day be true peace in this world. After all, I do believe that as long as there is still hope in one person, there is hope for everyone else. But then again, maybe all this optimism isn't good for me, 'cause the pessimism is concentrated elsewhere. =S

Every once in a while, I get this sudden burst of hope that someone will, one day, save the world. Maybe I've been idolising superheroes (who are obviously fictional) for far too long. =)

Dig

The lyrics of this song are so rightly jiwang... if I ever change, slap me in the face =)

Dig by Incubus

We all have a weakness

But some of ours are easier to identify

Look me in the eye

And ask for forgiveness

We'll make a pact to never speak that word again

Yes, you are my friend

We all have something that digs at us

At least we dig each other

So when weakness turns my ego up

I know you'll count on the me from yesterday

If I turn into another

Dig me up from under

What is covering the better part of me

Sing this song

Remind me that we'll always have each other

When everything else is gone

We all have a sickness

That cleverly attaches and multiplies

No matter how we try

We all have someone that digs at us

At least we dig each other

So when sickness turns my ego up

I know you'll act as a clever medicine

If I turn into another

Dig me up from under

What is covering the better part of me

Sing this song

Remind me that we'll always have each other

When everything else is gone

Oh, each other... when everything else is gone

whoopeee

I'm going behind the bar again tomorrow. =D 'Cause tomorrow's friday night and there will be lots and lots and lots of cocktail orders. Yay-ness. heeheehee.

Miracles happen

Even to pful-stricken people like me. I finished my assignment. Like one day ahead of time. Like it's due tomorrow and I finished it last night. Like I handed it up today... one day ahead of the due date. =O I so believe in miracles right now. =p

Dear God, if You could be so kind. Grant me more miracles to get me through the rest of the week's dinner service. (especially tomorrow 'cause some retard is maitre d'hotel/head waiter). Thank You God.

Sudden jiwang inspiration

I was browsing through people's blogs (those that are still alive anyway) and felt a sudden wave of jiwang-ness. It's been a really long time since I had a jiwang post. Yeah 'cause the past few posts have been complain posts. Blame my army camp and the stress they put me through. =P

Over the past few months that I've been here, I've been learning to come to terms with my predicament, that being me having to be here without the friends I really love. I've only cried twice from homesickness and friendsickness (sounds wrong, like I'm sick of friends, hehe) since I came here, which I must say, I'm extremely proud of because I know for a fact that I'm a very emotional person. Something I really can't control even though I always try very very very hard to. I blame the years of repressed emotions as a child. So much so that it's become very annoying now because I'm too emotional sometimes... annoying because when I'm angry I cry, and this totally defeats the purpose of becoming angry in the first place... which is to lash out and bite people's heads off =D. It kinda makes me totally incapable of being angry, because crying releases stress hormones or whatever. Okay, side-tracking a little here.

Reflecting upon my life now and the life I used to have. I feel like I've changed since I came here, but at the same time, I'm still very much the same person that walked away from my friends at Kuching Airport on the 11th of January this year. I'm learning every day; learning more about myself, and why I feel the way I feel, and think the way I think.

The way I feel about my classmates for instance. It's not like they're really terrible people or anything. I've grown to like them (most of them anyway) over the past months of spending 8 hrs in class per day with them. It's not like I have anything against them. It's just a feeling that I can't rely on them as much as I can rely on the people I left behind back home. There's one very big difference between me and them. That being that most of them are rich, or fairly rich anyway. They can afford to enjoy nightlife 2 or 3 times every week. They can afford to dine out all the time. They can afford to visit places near and far because they can afford to buy a car and drive it wherever they want. It's not like I don't wanna hang out with them. I just can't afford to, and they just don't get it. I've tried like a million times to explain to them that I'm not as loaded as they are. I have to try to save because I know how hard my dad is working to keep me here, and how tight our financial situation is. But it isn't just about that. The difference in financial status is only a small tiny part of it.

They're nice people yes. They're fun people yes. But there's just a barrier. It's not that I compare them to old friends. I don't. Because it'll be unfair to do so. Because if I did compare, my old friends, all of my old friends, no matter how close we were, my old friends will win a thousand times over. The reason isn't because I've known my old friends longer. I don't know what the reason is, but I do know what the reason isn't. But that will definitely be the ultimate outcome if I did compare. I just don't feel it. The kind of feeling I feel when I'm with my old friends. The kind of feeling I get when I think about my old friends now.

It doesn't have anything to do with them being new friends and needing time to get used to them either. Trust me, when you spend that much time with the same people every day (except weekends), you'll get used to them within a week. I'm going to attempt to provide an explanation, regardless of whether anyone will understand what I'm trying to say. Even back in the old days, in my past or whatever, with certain people you can click right away the first time you meet. With others, no matter how many months or years you've known each other, the chemistry just isn't there. The feeling just isn't there. That's exactly it. When I'm with them, I'm with them. But when I'm at home or out of uni and not with them, I don't even think about wanting to meet up with them. Erm... it's like this. With my old friends, I feel the need and want to see them and hang out with them and whatnot. I can't live without them. I can't function properly. I can't breathe. I can't live.. without them. But with these people, with or without them, I'm perfectly capable of going on with my life.

At the beginning of the course I was this really quiet girl who talked only when talked to and refused to speak up, and I felt like everything I did or said was being judged by everyone. And because of the distinction I got and the other distinction I'm potentially getting, some of them think I'm the studious hardworking kinda girl. HAHAHA. Now, those who know me would never in a million years believe that I am capable of being quiet. Those who really know me would know how crazy and hyper I can get... all the time. Those who know me would especially know how freaking lazy and un-studious I am.

Over the past months, I'm starting to open up more. I'm still not as talkative or as crazy with them as I used to be. But I'm trying. I'm trying to ignore my inferiority problem. I'm trying to believe myself when I tell myself that it doesn't matter whether they're judging me or not. I'm me. They should accept me for me.

To my old friends: you guys are irreplaceable. Really really irreplaceable. And no matter how far apart we all are, you guys will always ALWAYS be the greatest and best friends I'll ever have, and it's gonna stay that way. This includes the whole extended intima family (we're more like a family than a gang), chicken and the whole going-to-state-library-to-"study"-for-spm gang, my once-upon-a-time sunday bball gang, my icecream gang, my leo gang, champ (your friendship does mean a lot to me, despite the fact that i insult you every chance I get =D), y.ching n fab, flo n rx, 5c 2004 (yes all of you, every one of you), jill-who-used-to-visit-me-in-class-every-morning, cheryl n the whole church lot, even everyone I've crossed paths with while studying in inti (you guys hold that small little space in my heart too =P)... I really miss you guys. I miss being just a car ride away from all of you. I miss everything we used to share together. And a big part of my heart will always contain you guys. It doesn't matter how long we haven't seen each other, because I re-quote "you guys will always ALWAYS be the greatest and best friends I'll ever have, and it's gonna stay that way".

To my new friends (who don't even know of my blog and probably never will): you guys may not be the greatest or best friends I'll ever have, but you're all I've got here. I've accepted that fact, and I'm trying. I'm trying to open up to you guys. I really am. Maybe after our 1.5 years together in this course, you might finally see the real me. =)

Maybe this is the reason why fab calls me budak jiwang.

After doing a word-count on my above essay, I came to this conclusion: If I had been working on my 2000-word assignment like I was supposed to, I would be almost 75% done with it.

*grin*

I said I won't complain bout my lecturer anymore right. Well, I won't. 'Cause as of now I love him. very much. =D We had our individual feedback sessions today, and he's supposed to give us our strengths and weaknesses and our performance in the restaurant thus far etc etc. And when I sat down, first thing he said was "Yes, miss distinction (my nickname as of the day I was put behind the bar alone... dammit), you're one of my top students you know. Probably top 2 or top 3". Okay, considering how badly I feel like I've been doing, and that almost everyone else but me has had some experience in this industry, I was staring at my lecturer wide-eyed and shocked. And then, it was compliments all the way, about how much potential I have and all that bla. I'm still pinching myself 'cause I honestly think I dreamt this.

He's been putting so much pressure on me 'cause he believes I am capable of a distinction in his subject too. He says right now I'm sitting very comfortably on a credit because lunch service isn't as challenging compared to dinner service. You see, in the army camp that I go to, even credit is a very big deal, much less a distinction. OmG, I'm seriously still in disbelief. He's making me head waiter next week (we're having dinner service next week) so that I can prove to him that I deserve the distinction 'cause he can't just give away free marks. And he's also giving me three/ four tables to take care of, 'cause he "knows I am definitely able to organise that and handle it (direct quote)". omg omg omg. Someone wake me up please.

But somehow despite the fact that I really do wanna believe all that he's telling me, I still feel like I'm really not as capable and competent as he thinks I am. Maybe people just think that I'm that good, but deep down inside I know that I'm not. *sighs* =( Maybe now is really the time someone woke me up, because I know for a fact that I'm a complete retard all the time.

O m G

To make me despise him even more, he's putting me behind the bar aLONE tomorrow, like usually there are 2 or 3 people, but no, I don't get that privilege because "distinction students should be able to run the bar by themselves, ho ho ho". Slap him. Freaking sadistic frenchman. Freaking annoying classmate who snitched that I was the only distinction for BSO (beverage service operations). Freaking everything. It's starting to feel like all I do is complain. I have like an endless list of things to complain about. hehehe. But it only seems like that 'cause my blog is the only place I can release nowadays. I promise after next week (last week of restaurant service, YAY!!!) I won't complain anymore ('Cause I won't have to see his face anymore =D... his meaning my lecturer's). This is worn-out joce... signing off. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My hands

They hurt. I hate Food Service. I hate my lecturer. Have you ever tried writing non-stop for 3 hours straight? Have you ever been given an exam where 3 quarters of it has never been discussed in class or appear anywhere in the textbook, but you were told that reading those few chapters in the textbook were enough? Have you ever hated a lecturer as much as I'm hating mine right now? Have you ever written so fast and so much that your hands couldn't open anymore? Hate hate hate...

pregnant? =O

not! ... just couldn't think of any title. =D

Exam oh exam, why do you love me so. I'm having yet another exam tomorrow. hahahahahaha. It's so funny. hahahahahaha. 'Cause it's so funny. hahahahahaha. 'Cause I have an exam tomorrow. hahahahaha. And that's so funny. hahahahahaha.

I have no life. I have plenty of exams and assessments and assignments. But no life. I HAD a life. In Kuching. With plenty of lovely people who had a life with me. I have nothing here. I have a place I look forward to coming back to every day. Because I have no life. Okay, I'm making myself sound very pathetic. hehe. I'm only happy when I'm back at my place, where I can remember and reminisce about the old times when I did have a life... and when I didn't have stupid exams and assignments and classes that occupy 90% of my time.

Okay, maybe it's not as pathetic as I'm making it sound. I was, and still am, just very bitter about the fact that allllll my time is taken up by this stupid uni. Whoever said uni life was more enjoyable than working life. At least if I'm working, I won't have to worry about assignments and exams when I come home from work. I can do whatever I want when I come home from work. I'm very bitter... a very bitter bitter person right now. Why why why you ask? Because today was supposed to be a holiday but I had to stay home and study (I only fell asleep 3 times. Now tell me that's not something I should be proud of? =D)!!! *sobz* Tomorrow is supposed to be a holiday too but my lecturer decided to put the exam there 'cause he couldn't find another time slot in our busy busy busy timetable!!! *wails*

Will someone please please please come here and have a life with me? Someone? Anyone? (Clem doesn't count because he was useless in the first place anyway, and now he also has a gf to occupy his time) Anyone anyone? Yew Inn (if you even read this)!!! Come here next year!! It's a very good uni. You'll have a lot of fun if you come here. Honestly truthfully, not lying at all. *innocent totally sincere grin*

First day...

of restaurant service, and which table was allocated to me? Table no.13. Good ol' lucky number 13. What lucky thing did I do on lucky table no. 13? I nearly stabbed my customer's leg 'cause while clearing I didn't notice that the cutlery already on the plates in my hand were slipping (no more late nights for me). When I DID notice, 2 forks and one knife (it's blunt, don't worry, they know that there will be klutz's like me in the industry) were already on the floor. Talk about embarassing. Talk about "stab me in the heart right now" embarassing. As if that wasn't enough, I spilt coffee on the table (just a lil bit, but in this industry they expect perfection so even a lil bit is a lot =( ) 'cause someone filled the coffee pot too full and I didn't know. THIS SUCKS!! I'm not perfect. You can't freaking expect me to be freaking perfect on my first day. We've had like wow 2 sessions of training? And on the first day you throw me to a table of 9?! (You say you only give that to competent people, but do I freaking look competent to you?! Do competent people drop cutlery next to customer's feet?!) And you expect me to be perfect?! There were like a million tables of 2-4 people, and of all the tables you give me, you give me the one with 9 people. NINE PEOPLE OKAY! *sobz* Okay, I'm just very distressed that I humiliated myself dropping the knife and forks on the floor. Argh! Hate hate hate... I was never cut out to be a waitress. Make me a bartender anytime. =P

For anyone who's considering it, DON'T dine at Graduate's Restaurant. Because there are horrible waitresses like me there. Okay fine, one horrible waitress. If you wanna walk out of the restaurant with your feet intact, don't come. If you don't wanna laugh at frantic waitress apologising bout you nearly losing your feet, don't come. Just.... don't come.

Midget, I so prefer your uni's restaurant service system. It's so much better being allocated a specific task for the whole service than to be allocated tables. 'Cause it freaking stresses us out more that we have to do every single task perfectly for our tables. I'ld rather take orders for the whole service, or just serve food even. At least that way I won't have to worry bout getting all my sequences correct and not forgetting anything, and just focus on doing that one specific task. Midget... unfair! *sobz*

Okay, I'm done complaining. You can stab me now. With the knife. The one on the floor.