Sudden jiwang inspiration

I was browsing through people's blogs (those that are still alive anyway) and felt a sudden wave of jiwang-ness. It's been a really long time since I had a jiwang post. Yeah 'cause the past few posts have been complain posts. Blame my army camp and the stress they put me through. =P

Over the past few months that I've been here, I've been learning to come to terms with my predicament, that being me having to be here without the friends I really love. I've only cried twice from homesickness and friendsickness (sounds wrong, like I'm sick of friends, hehe) since I came here, which I must say, I'm extremely proud of because I know for a fact that I'm a very emotional person. Something I really can't control even though I always try very very very hard to. I blame the years of repressed emotions as a child. So much so that it's become very annoying now because I'm too emotional sometimes... annoying because when I'm angry I cry, and this totally defeats the purpose of becoming angry in the first place... which is to lash out and bite people's heads off =D. It kinda makes me totally incapable of being angry, because crying releases stress hormones or whatever. Okay, side-tracking a little here.

Reflecting upon my life now and the life I used to have. I feel like I've changed since I came here, but at the same time, I'm still very much the same person that walked away from my friends at Kuching Airport on the 11th of January this year. I'm learning every day; learning more about myself, and why I feel the way I feel, and think the way I think.

The way I feel about my classmates for instance. It's not like they're really terrible people or anything. I've grown to like them (most of them anyway) over the past months of spending 8 hrs in class per day with them. It's not like I have anything against them. It's just a feeling that I can't rely on them as much as I can rely on the people I left behind back home. There's one very big difference between me and them. That being that most of them are rich, or fairly rich anyway. They can afford to enjoy nightlife 2 or 3 times every week. They can afford to dine out all the time. They can afford to visit places near and far because they can afford to buy a car and drive it wherever they want. It's not like I don't wanna hang out with them. I just can't afford to, and they just don't get it. I've tried like a million times to explain to them that I'm not as loaded as they are. I have to try to save because I know how hard my dad is working to keep me here, and how tight our financial situation is. But it isn't just about that. The difference in financial status is only a small tiny part of it.

They're nice people yes. They're fun people yes. But there's just a barrier. It's not that I compare them to old friends. I don't. Because it'll be unfair to do so. Because if I did compare, my old friends, all of my old friends, no matter how close we were, my old friends will win a thousand times over. The reason isn't because I've known my old friends longer. I don't know what the reason is, but I do know what the reason isn't. But that will definitely be the ultimate outcome if I did compare. I just don't feel it. The kind of feeling I feel when I'm with my old friends. The kind of feeling I get when I think about my old friends now.

It doesn't have anything to do with them being new friends and needing time to get used to them either. Trust me, when you spend that much time with the same people every day (except weekends), you'll get used to them within a week. I'm going to attempt to provide an explanation, regardless of whether anyone will understand what I'm trying to say. Even back in the old days, in my past or whatever, with certain people you can click right away the first time you meet. With others, no matter how many months or years you've known each other, the chemistry just isn't there. The feeling just isn't there. That's exactly it. When I'm with them, I'm with them. But when I'm at home or out of uni and not with them, I don't even think about wanting to meet up with them. Erm... it's like this. With my old friends, I feel the need and want to see them and hang out with them and whatnot. I can't live without them. I can't function properly. I can't breathe. I can't live.. without them. But with these people, with or without them, I'm perfectly capable of going on with my life.

At the beginning of the course I was this really quiet girl who talked only when talked to and refused to speak up, and I felt like everything I did or said was being judged by everyone. And because of the distinction I got and the other distinction I'm potentially getting, some of them think I'm the studious hardworking kinda girl. HAHAHA. Now, those who know me would never in a million years believe that I am capable of being quiet. Those who really know me would know how crazy and hyper I can get... all the time. Those who know me would especially know how freaking lazy and un-studious I am.

Over the past months, I'm starting to open up more. I'm still not as talkative or as crazy with them as I used to be. But I'm trying. I'm trying to ignore my inferiority problem. I'm trying to believe myself when I tell myself that it doesn't matter whether they're judging me or not. I'm me. They should accept me for me.

To my old friends: you guys are irreplaceable. Really really irreplaceable. And no matter how far apart we all are, you guys will always ALWAYS be the greatest and best friends I'll ever have, and it's gonna stay that way. This includes the whole extended intima family (we're more like a family than a gang), chicken and the whole going-to-state-library-to-"study"-for-spm gang, my once-upon-a-time sunday bball gang, my icecream gang, my leo gang, champ (your friendship does mean a lot to me, despite the fact that i insult you every chance I get =D), y.ching n fab, flo n rx, 5c 2004 (yes all of you, every one of you), jill-who-used-to-visit-me-in-class-every-morning, cheryl n the whole church lot, even everyone I've crossed paths with while studying in inti (you guys hold that small little space in my heart too =P)... I really miss you guys. I miss being just a car ride away from all of you. I miss everything we used to share together. And a big part of my heart will always contain you guys. It doesn't matter how long we haven't seen each other, because I re-quote "you guys will always ALWAYS be the greatest and best friends I'll ever have, and it's gonna stay that way".

To my new friends (who don't even know of my blog and probably never will): you guys may not be the greatest or best friends I'll ever have, but you're all I've got here. I've accepted that fact, and I'm trying. I'm trying to open up to you guys. I really am. Maybe after our 1.5 years together in this course, you might finally see the real me. =)

Maybe this is the reason why fab calls me budak jiwang.

After doing a word-count on my above essay, I came to this conclusion: If I had been working on my 2000-word assignment like I was supposed to, I would be almost 75% done with it.