In answer to previous comments/chatbox about previous posts

I've written this in my chatbox but I'll just say it again. I've decided to go on, if only to prove to myself that I can get through this, and knowing that I have wonderful friends back home (and in the UK for that matter=) waiting for me, and a wonderful family supporting me.

Chicken: people who've just finished sobbing their eyes out can't really think properly, hence the advice/advise mistake. ish. I do get what you're trying to say but you don't fully understand the whole thing (which has nothing whatsoever to do with staying the same/person I used to be etc.), and I don't blame you for that because it's not explainable unless you're really in my position. AND also, I was talking about switching Uni's, not course. -_-''' I meant that I wanted to switch Unis, same course different Uni different people. Because after completing this year, I'll probably be able to get exemptions or skip semesters or bla if I move somewhere else. But I really appreciate it. I appreciate the adviCe all the way from UK, and knowing that there are still people out there who care enough to leave a word. Although we're both busy with everything Uni is throwing at us (me especially), I'm thankful for the strong friendship we still share (that's what I feel anyway... but maybe you don't care about me anymore and just felt obligated to say something, *sobz* =p)

Lyd: I know that there all these kinda people everywhere, but in a place where I have 80-90 coursemates, you would think that at least ONE of them are not like that, but alas, I'm still waiting for the day I find that person. At least in the comforts of Kch, I wouldn't even have to bother about them because I would know that I have a thousand other friends who are so much better than them. I've never ever EVER had the feeling that I should maybe try hard to fit in. By fitting in, I mean by acting silly all the time, laughing at people behind their backs, laughing at every little silly unfunny thing and not laughing when things ARE funny (because they don't blardy understand english well so only the angmohs and me laugh), being childish (eg: poking people and running away giggling), being the high school definition of bimbo etc. These are about the girls of course. I'm not kidding, they really are that bimbotic. The ones who are not so bimbotic are even more two-faced. So who else do I have left? Not that I bother with them much because to me, they're just people I go to Uni with, but at least when I'm in Uni, I'ld like to feel like I have someone I can rely on. But I always take comfort in knowing that you guys are back home waiting for me, and will always be there when I return... knowing that I can always ALWAYS rely on you guys... that means a lot to me. =)

Bro: Refer to above description about all my coursemates, and know why I cannot possibly find any new friends worth calling a friend. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm alone in Uni all the time. On the outside, people see me being happy and getting along very well with all my classmates. But on the inside, I know what kinda people they are and already know not to trust them too much. After 4 months of being with them, they haven't even seen 10% of the real me, the me that I am when I'm with you guys. That's why I was extra extra talkative when you were around few months ago because of all the unsaid words in Uni, and people who know me well would know how impossible it is for me to shut up sometimes (except when I'm sleeping). That outburst of emotion was due to uncried tears and pent-up emotion. All the months of missing home and missing dad and missing friends, all the stress from assignments and long hours in Uni (a life I thought I left behind when I left Lodge.. at least in Lodge I had friends I loved and ECA's to keep me happy), and then that one thing happened that made me upset (probably because I was very tired and emotionally down on that day already). And the thing that made me most upset was that she was being such a bitch because of my results. She wasn't outrightly being a bitch, but it's hard to explain. And it was very obvious that her mood and attitude towards me changed after every HD I got, which is just plain dumb... refer to later-mentioned fickle-minded people)

Jason (who left me a msg in friendster regarding that post, didn't even realised u knew my blog address, 'cause only selected people know of my blog, not that I'm saying you're not special enough, haha =) Side note: Lyd, not THAT jason so don't misunderstand, lol. I haven't been in contact with that jason for a while now, much to my relief =P. Anyway, jase, thank you so much for your message. Made me really thankful for the whole lot of you who are always so supportive. It's not that I'm letting just one person get to me like that because I'm not. That whole 'wanting to change uni' thing was due to a lot of reasons, but a lot of it is because of the PEOPLE I go to Uni with, not just one person. Plus the hours and workload are wearing me out. Maybe I've just always been under this illusion that Uni life is enjoyable and happy; all the fairytale images of Uni I've kept in my head for too long. But I do know that life is not always perfect, and challenges are thrown at us for a reason. Maybe God is showing me that I'm not wasting my time treasuring the friendship from you guys because compared to my coursemates, you guys are definitely a million times better, and I'm not exaggerating. Maybe God wants me to show myself that I'm strong enough to get through this.

Which is why I've decided to go on, to prove my own strength, to prove to myself that I'm not as weak as I think I am. The people around me affect me a lot. Much as I don't like to admit it, I am very affected by the way people are and I very often wonder whether they have any values at all. It often makes me feel like me being nice to everyone is foolish because it almost always ends up in me being taken advantage of. Maybe I should just become 'the freak who sits in the corner, never smiles and keeps to herself all the time', 'cause it might be better that way. I would have an excuse not to interact with all these stupid, fickle-minded, selfish, two-faced people, and not get disappointed because I never put any hope in them in the first place. There isn't even one single person in my whole entire course that I feel I have any hope of relying on. Every day is just another day on stage, where I act all happy and excited to see my classmates, and watch the hours tick by when I can once again return to the comfort of my "home" here. My recent truancies are very much due to this; the fact that I just wanna be home where it's safe and secure, where I'm protected from all these people. But I'm learning every day... learning to not care about them, and accept the fickle people they are, and know that I'm fortunate enough to have old friends who mean the world to me and a family who love me for me. I cannot imagine a life without any one of you (especially my family, sorry all who fall under the category of friends, blood is thicker than water, but you guys come close =).

This post has been very disorganised and I'm very sorry if much of this doesn't make sense because my mind isn't very organised right now. I'm sorry for the very poor english too, but it's not easy to think about french dishes, Spain, and write superb English at the same time.